My 11-year-old son tested at 144 in April '92, according to the NY City Board of Education, but was relegated by them to the BOCES program for what they called "behavioral problems." (His history was complicated by his mother's decision to switch live-in roommates while he was away for the weekend in late summer '91 -- she and I were divorced eight years ago when my son was three -- and an unfortunate tendency on the part of the new roommate to immediately assume an authorative role. Previously, his mother had insisted on Melaril being prescribed for his "hyperactivity," and she bounced him from school to school within the NYC system for what were often perceptions on her part that the teachers found fault with her or that the school was not conveniently enough located for her to easily pick him up/drop him off before and after work. Enough about her.) Eventually, in the fall of '91, I was contacted by the boy's psychotherapist, who wanted to explore the possibility with me that my son must be removed from what she called a "detrimental environment" in his mother's house, suggesting that he must be institutionalized, but hoping that I and my current wife could find a way to accept him into our home. Of course, we immediately began making arrangements for him to join us, since joint custody had previously been denied me, along with most regular contact. (But enough about that. Sole custody was recently awarded to me.) Our local school system (in a village about an hour north of NYC) is so much more sensitive and caring than Manhattan's, and the availability to my son of local friends and outside activities (both of which had been previously denied him), that his behaviour has changed dramatically, behavior that I previously had never seen as being too terribly different than most boys his age, but which had been perceived by the school system -- particulary BOCES -- as being out of line, there being a tendency on the part of BOCES teachers and staff to assume their students have behavioural problems -- because after all, the kids are in BOCES, aren't they? But, his complaint and mine: He feels branded by the BOCES label, has for the past school year been lumped with underachievers and real social misfits, is convinced he is perceived by his friends as a mental case, and convinced that the schools will always henceforth treat him as some sort of animal or at least lesser human being. (He was heartbroken when one "best friend" was reported to have told another boy that my son was "crazy" because he was in BOCES.) This despite the fact that this year one of his classes was a 10th grade chemistry lab and that next fall he has been `elevated' to BOCES' "gifted children" program and that the school system is actively considering main-streaming him next year instead. (He's been in fifth grade, but reads at 9th and places in 7th in math. His verbal skills are extremely high, which is sometimes a problem, since asking questions is too often perceived as being a "smart aleck." He does try to compensate for his situation, however, by overmuch hogging the limelight and showing off his wattage, which of course is perceived as "acting out," unfortunately. We're working on that.) He has always been curious and I have always answered his questions thoroughly. Example: at about 3 years, he asked the "where to babies come from?" question and I expanded clearly and concisely on the answer until I saw the light of interest click off. Explaining until the "click" came has always been my practice, never a "not now" or "later," and as a result his curiosity has remained high. Now my question: Since I fear that even main-stream classes will not provide enough stimulation for him (boredom leading to acting out, in his case, along with no little snobbery on his part that others don't "get it" as quickly as he does -- a problem I working on with him), does anyone have suggestions for alternative education for super-bright kids? And, since we are caring parents but not wealthy, sources of funding for such educational alternatives? Thanks in advance for your responses. [Albert] ------------------------------------------------------------------ Hello, I would suggest you visit the education forum and ask for advice in the gifted/special needs section and the home/alternate ed section. Behaviors which are defined as "problems" are not surprising in a child who has probably been incredibly bored and frustrated for a long time, labeled "different" and segregated from other children. My foster child, who is physically handicapped, was labelled mentally handicapped (although he is extremely gifted) and placed in segragated classrooms. His response was not disruptive: he fell asleep and stayed asleep until a clever speech pathologist tried math with him. He might have gotten help alot sooner if he had "acted out" like your son did. Sounds like he made the correct response for the situation he was in. Teague moved to a regular classroom from the segragated situation and although still boring, it was infinately better than before. Now he attends an alternate school and we do much of his acedemic learning at home. This is working out very well. Even if your child is bored in a "mainstream" classroom this is better than a segregated situation. In the three years Teague was in a regular classroom, he may have been bored but he made great gains in social and communication skills and he was able to establish who he was and what he was able to do. We supplemented the work at home and helped him come up with creative ways, whenever possible, to make the work at school more interesting. Helping your child discover interests he can explore on his own is very important. Gifted children find very creative outlets for their talents, and it sounds like your son could use some help in finding some positive ones. Good luck, C. --------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for sharing about T. No, Will never shut down; it was his acting out that was getting him in "trouble" and it seems that the school district understands now that he needs to be allowed to "run" as often as they can let him. It takes a lot of politely firm conversation on my part to alert his teachers and their supervisors to the fact that he's not really trying to be difficult, he's just bored. (He's gotten angriest and most frustrated when teachers and staff have taken what are, to me, obvious shortcuts because of their workload or have reacted badly (rudely) thanks to what I guess are personal problems intruding on the school day, but I try to get him to understand that no one's perfect and that he must learn to be forgiving of those who can't "run" as quickly as he can.) Thanks for the tip on the education forum. [Albert] --------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks, J.T. Actually, since the day my boy arrived to live with us on a permanent basis, he hasn't taken anything (except an aspirin once in a while for the usual reasons). Previously, he'd shown little interest in ingesting medicinals when he visited on weekends, for that matter. He not only has adapted as well as can be expected, he has done extremely well. Last night, we began reading the "Mensa Think-Smart Book," going through the word collection that appears early in the book, and he really enjoyed trying to impute meanings to the words he didn't know or dissecting words that seemed to have familiar prefixes/suffixes to determine their meanings. (He came really close quite often and hit two of them right on!) I'm glad the tone of your comments was a product of glibness and not just mean-spiritedness, as was my first sense. [Albert] --------------------------------------------------------------- A., You sound like a caring father and your son is lucky to be living with you and your new wife. I think that it is important for you to stress to your son that everyone is good at something. Make him see that if he is impatient with people who seem "slower" then he shouldn't be surprised when people are impatient with his acting out. His past experiences have made his self-esteem plummet. You should point out that his bragging about his own abilities will make other people's self-esteem plummet. Gifted kids are often more sensitive to feelings and emotions. This makes them very vulnerable to others' words and actions. At the same time, they sometimes fail to realize how devastating their own sharp tongues can be. My son is extremely gifted - he read his first book (sight unseen, fresh from the store) at age two. He is 8 now, but when he was 6 he tested beyond grade 8 level in math. He is in a regular school with a half day per week withdrawal for enrichment plus acceleration in math. He learns almost nothing in regular school, but it is great for socializing. I feel very strongly that bright children must learn to get along with others. After all, who are they going to be dealing with for their whole lives? Don't let him use his giftedness as a crutch for bad behaviour. [John] -------------------------------------------------------------- I think you're getting lots of good advice here and I agree with M. Your son is lucky to have such a caring father. I myself am a product of similar circumstances. My acting out resulted first in exile to BOCES and then to home tutoring when my behavior was too extreme for even BOCES. The sense of isolation in these environments does have its impact. As naturally social beings, children generally do want to learn and get along with others. The problem with the BOCES environment is that the interaction is often in ways which are not precisely what we as parents would hope for (after all, they are in BOCES ). My own story has a relatively happy ending (no I'm not dead yet). Part of my BOCES experience involved an exposure to electronics, which led me to pursue Computer Science in college. I now make a pretty tidy living at that some 20 years later. My advice is to seek a public school environment where there is a quality gifted/talented program. If boredom remains a problem, there are plenty of good ways to augment that education. In my opinion, the challenge of parents of gifted kids is to help them to mainstream while still valuing their "difference". This requires a lot of work. No one can or should do it for you. It's one of the real joys of parenthood. ...A [Alan] ------------------------------------------------------------ Well, A., to hear from one who survived BOCES is a relief, but I have other news today that certainly underlines your encouraging remarks about finding a good school system. I found it today, right in my own backyard. As is the regular drill, there's a once-a-year session with counselors, psychologist, parents, et al where each individual BOCES student is evaluated and placement for the following year is decided. It turned out that they care very much that my boy, Will, get the very best. So next year he'll mainstream, for the most part (two hours a day are to be in a supervised BOCES setting that includes kids like him), but his coursework is to be advanced math, advanced English, and French. What's best of all, of course, is that it all takes place in the local school that his after-school playmates attend, meaning that instead of this year's 40-minute bus ride to school and the same afterward, leaving him high and dry and the end of the day with no playtime left, he'll be able to participate in after-school activities (clubs, sports, etc.) like everyone else. What's scary, though, is that he (now leaving 5th grade) tested at grade 12.9 across the board. Scary for me and my wife because it implies such a responsibility on our part, even though we will happily and thoughtfully take it on. I imagine we're going to be chatting with you and everyone else on the BB quite often over the next few years. And that is a not at all unpleasant future. A. [Albert] ---------------------------------------------------------------- A., I can see the logic behind not testing. That was, perhaps, the rationale W.'s BOCES teacher was using as a basis for not telling him his score. It would have been "nice" if she'd explained that, rather than turning on her heel and marching off; I merely told her that Will was concerned about the score, since he was under the impression that all of the other students had been told, but that he'd been excluded. I haven't told him the score either, just that he's going to mainstream next fall. Now I'm concerned that he'll be anxious about that. (Actually, even though it's what he's wanted, I'm sure he will be anxious.) But that's something he and I can talk about and work through. [Alan]